Love Yourself by Stop “Shoulding” All Over Yourself
In 2019, I was attending a Women’s Wellness and Self-Love workshop with a few of my colleagues and a had a powerful a-ha moment. The presenter shared that as women leaders and role models we often fall into the trap of “shoulding ourselves” meaning we often think that we should do this or we should have done that. Clearly undermining one’s confidence in their leadership role. Always second guessing decisions and created self-doubt.
Have you ever done a presentation before and things did not go perfectly as planned. Maybe you forgot to mention a key point or someone asked you a question and you didn’t know that answer but you beat yourself up about it because you “should have none” that answer. There are many times when we face situations that we fall into the trap of “shoulding”.
The presenter stated that it is time that we stop “shoulding all over ourself” and I have to agree. Once I started to have greater awareness, I noticed that I often would fall into that tra.
The word “should”, defined by Wikepdia, “is used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone's actions.” Often it is coming from a place of guilt or shame. The way that we talk to ourselves is not how we would talk to a loved one.
How to begin:
Notice what you are noticing - are there specific times when you fall into the “shoulding trap”. Is it during a presentation or maybe it is interacting with your boss, colleagues, or team members? Are you unconsciously or consciously comparing yourself to others. In the words of Theodore Roosevelt, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”
Power of Reframe: Once you begin to notice when you are “shoulding yourself”, you need to practice reframing your thought. Instead of saying, “I should have been more prepared for that presentation otherwise when Susie asked me that question I would have know the answer.” Instead you can reframe it, “I prepared really well for that presentation, Susie asked a great question and I will need to dig in a bit further in order to provide her with the answer”.
Be Realisitic - When we use should statements it can put unreasonable expectations on ourselves and what we should know. We are not a failure if we don’t meet all of our expectations. It is an opportunity to continue to grow.
Now What?
As you move forward, I want you to practice these three steps that will help you begin to remove “should” from your vocabulary. It will take time and effort to shift this thinking process because many of us have it ingrained in our unconscious. It has become our default go to and it is a habit that we need to be intentional about changing. Be confident in what you do and if you make a mistake, consider that an opportunity to learn and grow from it!
